My beautiful Amelie:
The last 9 months were the happiest months of my life. From the moment I found out I was pregnant - no day went by without me thinking about you, wondering what you will be like, how you will look, the person you’ll become - all the amazing things we would do together. I wondered, will you be a Ballet dancer, a Krav Maga guru, or a doctor – it didn’t matter. I just wanted you to be happy. With each passing day I felt our bond strengthen, I was so proud to be your mum. Strangers stopped me in the street and ask about you, I would happily tell them about my little Amelie. I loved being pregnant, feeling your kicks and movements, hearing your heart beat during doctor’s visits were all so wonderful, I felt like the luckiest person in the world. Being able to nurture, grow and protect you for all this time was an honour. We were connected and so close - yet hadn’t even met. The day you were born was the best day of my life. I couldn’t believe I just gave birth to such a beautiful baby.
The first 4 days of your life; 2 spent at the hospital and 2 days (which to me the most precious) spent at home with you are the days I will never forget. This is when I got to hold you, feed you, clean you, dress you, calm and comfort you and most importantly protect you and keep you safe. I got to watch you sleep, I saw you smile, stretch, cry, I got to stare into your beautiful big dark blue eyes (which to me looked so wise way beyond your age), I got to discover every little part of you; your face, hair, your hands, little feet & ears. I watched as you looked around, discovering the world. And in your bedroom – which I had put so much love and effort into making just right for you - your eyes fixed on the big colourful flowers on your wall; hopefully it meant that you liked them.
I am so mad, so angry with what happened. You were taken from me so suddenly, ripped from my arms. I was completely helpless and there was nothing I could do to save you, it was not up to me – this is what hurts the most, that I couldn’t save my baby. I ask why me, why you, why our family? What did we do to deserve this? To have our dream right in front of us, taken & shatter into pieces.
I cannot answer this question. I have to accept we weren’t meant to be together as Mother and Daughter right now. I was lucky enough to have a glimpse of life with you, these precious moments I will have forever – nobody can take these away. I promise, I will only remember these moments, while I do my best to forget the bad; the hospital, your illness, the tubes, medication, suffering – as this wasn’t you and only part of your illness and I refuse to let these overshadow the good times we shared.
Physically you are no longer here, but I know and feel your spirit living on. I have strength and an inner peace, which I know is you. Our bond will remain strong, just as it was the last 9 months I carried you. I am, and will be your mother always, and you will be my daughter, my baby forever -who just happens to be an angel now. I know you will be with me, next to me when I think of you, in good times and bad. You will protect me, watch me, and guide me throughout life. I hope you will give us a chance to be with you again; to be your parents – I hope you will come back to be with us when we have future children, this is my biggest hope and dream.
Thank you for the beautiful pregnancy, perfect birth, amazing memories and important life lessons you taught us all. You are truly an angel, a miracle who we were all so lucky to meet, my baby I am so proud of you. Thank you for everything, I love you more than anything in the world.
