Last weeks ultrasound could not have gone better. Again a strong and regular heartbeat was found and the little guy or girl is growing as he should be. 7 weeks 6 days in size (at exactly exactly 8 weeks gestation), that's pretty good. So he /or she grew at least 2 weeks in a week...Also the heartbeat is very important and a great sign..
The mix of emotions is so hard to explain. So much going on. Behind the excitement and hope lies the fear, and worry, mixed in with the sadness and grief for Amelie. The emotions start good then they trail off at the end. I cant help it. The hope and happiness juxtaposed against the stark reality and the vivid memories which I keep re-living in my head of what was this time last year....To have to juggle the two emotions, is interesting to say the least.
Also, my fears and worries....The fact that the genetic disorder Amelie had is one thing, I get it. The IP. The fact that she died from it, which so unusual. That to be honest I still don't really get. No answers just facts. That's where my worry begins and the weight gets heavier.. The what if's..What if it is something about me, something hidden, something else in my genes....After all, my genes are so mysterious, they once let me down. Failure is all I know...My mind runs away with me, the worries overtake. Rationally I know the IP (hopefully - 98% has been eliminated with PGD)...so I should know, I should not worry, shouldn't go there...but I do. It's all so much more complicated than another prognosis/ another more clearer easier to understand death. But with ours, there is so much unknown, so many questions...the what if's....I could drive myself crazy. Is there a way I can accept this and somehow make it through the next 7 months without torturing myself so much. After all I have been through so much already. Can I just be strong and ok with watever happens and just worry about being there for my baby, providing them a safe and healthy pregnancy. Focus on the things that I can control. How can I be ok with the uncontrollables? How can I be strong and not riddled with so much fear of the unknow? How can I not expect the worst and remain positive? Just how exactly do I do this?
2 comments:
During my pregnancy after PGD I feared all the time what if we eliminated one danger just to have another one. That would have been really cruel. I am a bit more relaxed not but read way too much about genetic issues and know there a loads of horrible conditions which only show up later in life. Worrying never stops until we die (hopefully first)
So glad to see all is well honey! xx
Post a Comment